Miscellaneous - Baby Picture Included.

I didn't say it was Elly.

Alright so that wasn't fair to all of you, but I promise that after the 4D ultrasound on Thursday, I will post a new picture of the little squirt. 

103 days to go. Current worry: Changing diapers without vomitting.

Also, we discovered today that yet another couple are having a baby at approximately the same time as us. I think all three wives got together and decided to trick us that day. (The fact that the wives hardly know each other does not deter me.)

Piece of advice for my daughter-to-come:

Believe in yourself. Dream. Try. Do Good.

Free ice cream to the first person to name the source of the quote. That's all for now.

Just for Kicks

So for the last couple weeks, I have been extremely jealous of my wife. It seems that she can feel Elly moving inside her. I, of course, cannot feel this. I have been doing my best to make Elly move or kick whilst I am touching my wife's belly, but so far nothing.

Until last night...

I was having a conversation with my daughter (as is normally the case, I had my face pressed up against MG's stomach) and after a few minutes of talking, there was a distinct push on my nose. I continued this and four times, I got kicked in the face. 

So awesome.

This Baby is Making My Wife Cry

Emotional breakdowns were never something my wife indulged herself in; in fact, aside from when I proposed, I can’t think of a single time I ever saw her cry out of sadness, frustration, etc.  

The baby has changed this. Here are three examples:

The Tomato Soup Incident:

While we were still living in Bellevue, MG got hungry one night. We didn’t have much in the house, but MG had a Tomato Soup at Hand from earlier in the day. She went to heat it up and I followed her (because it was midnight and I had nothing else to do.) What happened next happened in slow motion.

As MG carried the soup past the kitchen table, she hit the chair and lost hold of it. It fell to the ground and it went everywhere. I chuckled and prepared to clean up the mess, but then I noticed MG was holding back tears.  I quickly tried to assess the situation. There were three possibilities as to why she was upset:

1.       Soup had gotten onto her clothes.
2.       Soup had gotten onto the floor.
3.       The soup was gone and she was still hungry.

I assumed that the fact that the soup was gone was the reason for the tears and my comforting response was “I’ll go get you another soup.”

You know that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Belloq opens the ark and his head proceeds to explode. I was sure MG’s glare was going to cause my head to do the same thing.

Orajel Swabs Should Not Be Thrown at Pregnant Women:

I had a toothache, so I bought the Orajel Swabs. They had done their job, but I had about ten left in a plastic case. If you know my wife, you know that smells, gooey things, and a myriad of other things make her wretch. So, of course, I was tormenting my wife by bringing the swabs close to her until she freaked out and then I would move it away.

I grew tired of the game and decided to case the swab I had been teasing her with, but as I closed the case, I had an idea. I LIGHTLY tossed the case and it landed right on her boob shelf. I burst into hysterics; she burst into tears. I quickly retrieved the case and tossed it three rooms away.

Pickles, Olives, and Cereal:                           

This one is not my fault.

Aside from making my wife cry, it has also forced her to eat things that come in jars and sealed bags. Unfortunately, the baby has stolen my wife’s ability to open these containers, but that’s okay because I’ve been there to open these items. This morning my wife left the room to get some cereal, but soon returned in tears.

“I can’t open anything!” she cried.

I suppressed my laughter for the moment, opened the cereal and sent her on her way. When she returned to the room she found that her Cabbage Patch doll had put on her old school headphones to make her laugh.

I love my family.

So you wanna date my daughter?

                Wow, it’s been a while since I did one of these. I guess between moving and starting a new job and what not, the blog got pushed back. But I’m pushing forward with news! It’s (probably) a girl! The lab tech says it’s too early to make any definite decisions, but we’d be safe buying pink things. So now I present to you:

Pre-Dating Interview for Dating My Daughter[1]

                The interview is divided into three sections: the physical assessment, the personal assessment, and the intelligence assessment. To pass a potential suitor must score at least 80 points.[2]

Section 1: Judging a book by its cover.[3] Point value: (+5/-50)

Physical appeareance:

                Visible Tattoos: + 1 point for none /-5 points for each

                Facial Piercings: +1 point for none /-1 point for ear /-3 for eyebrow, lip, or nose ring/-20 for tongue

                Facial Hair:           +1 point for clean shaven / -3 points for kempt beard, goatee, or soul patch/ -5 for scruff[4]

                Hair Length:        + 1 point for short / -1 point for Justin Bieber length / -5 for Daniel Harvey length/ -10 for any longer

                Pants Height:     +1 point for at the waist / -10 points for anything else.

Section 2 – Let me get a peek of that brain of yours. (2 points a piece.)

Intelligence test (pen and paper will be provided):

1.       Name the three branches of the US government.

2.       Properly diagram this sentence: The father killed the new boyfriend.

3.       Solve for X: 9x = 3 x 11+372/31

4.       Name five Shakespearean plays. (bonus points for identifying tragedies and comedies)

5.       Who wrote Moby Dick? (automatic loss of points for giggling)

6.       Identify this household item: NaCl

7.       What is the capitol of New Hampshire?

8.       In what city was Jesus born?

9.       Explain when to use who and when to use whom.

10.   Please answer the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.

Section 3: Just who the heck do you think you are? Point value: (+75/-405)

Personal Assessment:

                What is your name? (+5 points for full name/+3 for first and last name/-5 if I have to ask for last name)

                How old are you? (+5 for 16/ +3 for 17 or 15/ 0 for 18/ -200 if any older)

                What grade are you in? (+5 if the grade and age match[5]/ -5 if they don’t)

                What is your GPA? (+5 for 4.0/ +3 for 3.0-3.9/ 0 for <3.0/ -5 if I have to explain what a GPA is)

                What kind of car do you drive? (+5 for a two-seater/0 for a car with a back seat/ -50 for vans, trucks with a bench seat, SUVs with removable seats, motorcycles, anything that rumbles my house windows as you pull up, and anything I plain don’t like)

                How many of your parents live in your home? (Include stepparents) (+5 for two/0 for one[6]/ -10 if you live alone)

                What church do you attend? (+5 for a Christian Denomination/-5 for anything else)

                                    +3 point if he is willing to attend church with us on the next Sunday

                Share a little bit of your testimony with me. (Points awarded at my discretion. 5 point max)

                What sports do you like? (+5 points for wrestling/ +3 for Baseball, MMA, and NASCAR/ +1 for other answers)

                What age did you lose your virginity? (+5 for still a virgin/ -100 for any other answer)

                What music do you like? (+5 for Christian, Country, or Classic Rock/ +3 for 90’s music or classical/ 0 for others/ -5 for rap)

                If I say my daughter is due home at 10 PM, what time should you have her here? (+5 for 9:45, +3 for 10/ -5 for past 10)

                What’s your favorite Star Wars movie? (+5 for first trilogy/ +1 for prequel trilogy/ -5 for never seeing Star Wars.)

                                    +3 bonus for willingness to watch all 3 original movies on the next Saturday with me and daughter.

                What are some acceptable places for you to take my daughter?

                                Correct answers:              Church, A restaurant, a movie, a school dance, my house, your house while your parents are home, bowling, the mall, roller skating. (+1 point a piece up to five points.)

                                Incorrect answers:          A dark parking lot, a field, a back road, your parents house while they are not home, my house when I am not home, any place where you are alone and not easily discoverable. Other answers left up to my discretion. (-5 points a piece, no limit)

                Show me your tattoos:                  (None to show +5 [-15 points if I later find out you are lying]/-5 a piece/ -10 a piece if they are not presentable)       

                If I find a boy acceptable,[7] we will move on to the final segment of the interview, the steel cage wrestling match. The only way to win is to escape over the top. If a boy can do this, I will give him permission to have one date with my baby girl. If he wants a second date, we will have a submissions match. Date number three will have a ladder match.[8] Anyone who can defeat me three times in a row, I will proudly call son-in-law.[9]

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[1] My daughter will not be dating until she is sixteen, so I will have time to make alterations as necessary.)

[2] Like a college English class.

[3] I know, this is technically taboo, but this is my daughter. I will judge.

[4] Hypocrisy, thy name is…shut up, it’s my kid.

[5] Or if the boy has skipped a grade.

[6] This is not a jab at single parents. Logically, if the boy only has one parent at home, and that parent works, there will come a time where he could possibly have my daughter alone at his house. This will not do.

[7] BIG IF!

[8] Though I have yet to figure out how to suspend my daughter twenty feet over a wrestling ring.

[9] He better be around for good, because if he hurts my little girl, I’m breaking out the machete and the hockey mask.

What kind of dad do I want to be?

What kind of dad do I want to be?

There are so many fatherly role models I could look to; my own father, biblical fathers, and of course TV dads.

My own Dad was a great dad. He was always around when I needed him, and I can’t think of anyone who ever worked harder to provide for his kids. And he did it twice! Eighteen years apart! His second son was already eighteen when his third son (me) was born. Was he perfect? No, but if I could be even half the kind of dad he was, my kids should have a pretty good life. (Although, I would like to have a slightly better grip on the concept of time management. Alas, however, I notice more and more that I am losing that battle.)

Let’s look at TV dad’s for a minute.

I’ve always said that Al Bundy is the greatest TV dad. This is not exactly true. Yes, he loves his family, and yes, he has beaten up a number of his daughter’s boyfriends (with the patented slam into the doorframe), but come on, I can do better.[1]

Andy Griffith?

Meh, too much wholesome, not enough edge.

Red Forman?

I’d need more feet…

Ray Barone?

I think my mom may be offended if I make this comparison.

Ok, TV may not be the best place to look. Let’s try the Bible.

 There’s Abraham.

Whoa! Hold the Phone! Didn’t he take his son to a mountain to murder him?[2]

Yes, he did, but he did it because God told him to. Let’s back up a bit.

You’ve got Abram. He’s an old man, like 100, and he’s only ever had one kid. This kids name is Ishmael, but he wasn’t born of Abram’s wife. God says that Abram and his wife, Sarah, also an old lady,  are going to have a son of their own; they laugh. Well God makes them have a baby, and to get them back for laughing at him, God inserts laughter (or a “ha”) into Abram’s name.[3]

So Abraham is all happy, he’s got a new kid who’s awesome, and God has sent his concubine and Ishmael away.[4] God, however, wants to see how faithful Abraham really is, so he tells him to take Isaac up a mountain and kill him as a sacrifice, and Abraham decides to.

Why does that mean he’s a good dad?

Because he does what God asks. He takes his newly give son up the mountain and prepares to kill him, but God stops him at the last minute. Because of Abraham’s faith, he was allowed to keep his son.[5]

I want to be that dad!

I want to hear God’s command and do it. Yeah, it may be a sucky decision to have to make, but I want to always make the faithful Godly decision.[6] I want to be able to set that kind of example for my son/daughter.

But the Bible dad hall of fame award winner goes to…

Badadadadadadadadadadadadadadada…[7][8]

Joseph!

Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat Joseph?

No.

Joseph of Arimithea?

No.

Jesus’s stepdad?

Yes!

Let’s not argue about the fact that Joseph was not Jesus’ biological father, because it’s that fact that makes me want to be like that.

God saw this man, a Godly man descended from David, and said,

“You there! I want you to care for my only begotten son.”

That right there is a BIG responsibility. You can’t take that lightly. God was placing his baby child, the only hope for humanity’s salvation, his perfect sacrifice, into a human’s hands.

I want to be that guy. I want God to see me and trust me enough to give me an amazing piece of his plan to carry out. I want to be God’s go to guy, and I want to treasure my child as much Joseph must have treasured Jesus.

So what have I learned in this blog?

I must be my own kind of dad.

I can look to my dad, and Biblical dads, and (God help me) TV dads all I want, but I have to learn on my own how to be a good dad. If I am faithful to God, loving to my family, and work to serve them both, I should be fine.

Right?

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[1] This is not to say I am giving up the ideals of NO MA’AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.)

[2] Something you might be saying right now.

[3] Yeah, I made that up, but Isaac does mean He Will Laugh.

[4] Presumably to hunt the white whale.

[5] And become the patriarch of the Jewish faith.

[6]I hope I never actually have to make the decision whether or not to kill my own child.

[7] Drum roll

[8] Last foot note, I promise.

Conversation with the Fetus/Things to learn

I had a conversation with my child last night; it was fairly one-sided. Anyway, here a few of the highlights:

1.      Hi there. I’m your dad. I’m the white guy that’ll be around a lot.

2.      I’m going to encourage you to be fat and watch TV. It is a fine way of life; anyone who says differently is a racist.

3.      You are not allowed to watch Comedy Central (while Mom is in the house.)

4.      Bob’s Burgers is back on. We’ll pick this up again at the commercial.

Also, here’s a list of things I need to learn before August:

1.      How to properly hold a small child without my arms going to sleep. I was holding a friend of my Mom’s baby a few months ago, and it came to the point where my arms where aching and shaking. How do people do this for hours at a time?

2.      How to deal with poop and vomit. This is going to be hard. I’ve always had a hair trigger on my gag reflex. The one morning sickness bout that we’ve had ended with me peeking around the corner to see if MaryGrace was ok. This was after I had almost thrown up myself.

3.      How to throw better than a girl. This is negated by me having a girl. Then I’ll have to maintain my current throwing prowess.

4.      How to love a child that is not a boy. THIS IS A JOKE~!

Baby Blues

            I found out I was going to be a father on December 8^th, 2010. I spent the rest of that day making a sound that sounded a bit like an inbred professional wrestling fan. I was distraught, excited, terrified, ecstatic, and otherwise crazed. It took about a day before I started to feel better about it and then it hit me:

            I’m going to have a son or a daughter.

            Holy crap! Big revelation!

            Let me back up. I am big believer in God. I love God; He saved me from my sin (of which I had a lot). I also believe that He has a sense of humor. How else do you explain a Bible story that ends “and they ran from the house naked and bleeding.”[1] Seriously, that’s in there. Anyway, what some people consider karma, I consider God having a laugh.

            Anyway, I look back at myself from age 14 to 17 and I have two great fears: I am going to have a son just like me. This is bad. I was able to hone in a girl who was say homely or lonely or not the most popular and use that to make them “hangout” with me. The second generation is always stronger than the previous one. Lock up your daughters and load your guns!

            However, what could be worse than that is if I have a daughter. This is where God’s sense of humor/karma comes into play. My daughter will have a predilection for guys just like I was. Every guy she brings home will be smooth and cool when he’s talking to me, but as soon as they are out of sight, he’s going to become this smarmy, charmless, lothario. (My friend in San Diego, a former lothario in his own right, worries about this as well. He has a son that is already showing signs of our former ways, and if MaryGrace and I have a daughter, the only possible ending is a great war between our houses.)

            So how do I solve these problems?

            First the girl.

I turn to sitcoms (like I sometimes do). Specifically, The George Lopez Show and 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter. First of all, George’s rules for boys being able to date his daughter:

“You bring home a boy with straight a’s, doesn’t drink, no piercings, no tattoos, and we get to interview him for three hours.”

            I have already begun writing questions to ask the boy (but those are for a later post.)

            Then there are the eight rules:

1. Use your hands on my daughter and you'll lose them after.
2. You make her cry, I make you cry.
3. Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health.
4. Bring her home late, there's no next date.
5. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you're sure not picking anything up.
6. No complaining while you're waiting for her. If you're bored, change my oil.
7. If your pants hang off your hips, I'll gladly secure them with my staple gun.
8. Dates must be in crowded public places. You want romance? Read a book.

Good stuff, right there. So that takes care of the daughter.

But what about the boy?

I haven’t figured that out yet. The only thing I know is that I will have the advantage of knowing his tricks. If he’s hanging around school several hours after school or going for a run in the middle of the night, especially if he also has my body type, I will know something is up. I think I’d have to take Mad-Eye Moody’s advice on this one:

“Constant Vigilance!”

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[1] Acts 19:13-16