This Baby is Making My Wife Cry

Emotional breakdowns were never something my wife indulged herself in; in fact, aside from when I proposed, I can’t think of a single time I ever saw her cry out of sadness, frustration, etc.  

The baby has changed this. Here are three examples:

The Tomato Soup Incident:

While we were still living in Bellevue, MG got hungry one night. We didn’t have much in the house, but MG had a Tomato Soup at Hand from earlier in the day. She went to heat it up and I followed her (because it was midnight and I had nothing else to do.) What happened next happened in slow motion.

As MG carried the soup past the kitchen table, she hit the chair and lost hold of it. It fell to the ground and it went everywhere. I chuckled and prepared to clean up the mess, but then I noticed MG was holding back tears.  I quickly tried to assess the situation. There were three possibilities as to why she was upset:

1.       Soup had gotten onto her clothes.
2.       Soup had gotten onto the floor.
3.       The soup was gone and she was still hungry.

I assumed that the fact that the soup was gone was the reason for the tears and my comforting response was “I’ll go get you another soup.”

You know that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Belloq opens the ark and his head proceeds to explode. I was sure MG’s glare was going to cause my head to do the same thing.

Orajel Swabs Should Not Be Thrown at Pregnant Women:

I had a toothache, so I bought the Orajel Swabs. They had done their job, but I had about ten left in a plastic case. If you know my wife, you know that smells, gooey things, and a myriad of other things make her wretch. So, of course, I was tormenting my wife by bringing the swabs close to her until she freaked out and then I would move it away.

I grew tired of the game and decided to case the swab I had been teasing her with, but as I closed the case, I had an idea. I LIGHTLY tossed the case and it landed right on her boob shelf. I burst into hysterics; she burst into tears. I quickly retrieved the case and tossed it three rooms away.

Pickles, Olives, and Cereal:                           

This one is not my fault.

Aside from making my wife cry, it has also forced her to eat things that come in jars and sealed bags. Unfortunately, the baby has stolen my wife’s ability to open these containers, but that’s okay because I’ve been there to open these items. This morning my wife left the room to get some cereal, but soon returned in tears.

“I can’t open anything!” she cried.

I suppressed my laughter for the moment, opened the cereal and sent her on her way. When she returned to the room she found that her Cabbage Patch doll had put on her old school headphones to make her laugh.

I love my family.

So you wanna date my daughter?

                Wow, it’s been a while since I did one of these. I guess between moving and starting a new job and what not, the blog got pushed back. But I’m pushing forward with news! It’s (probably) a girl! The lab tech says it’s too early to make any definite decisions, but we’d be safe buying pink things. So now I present to you:

Pre-Dating Interview for Dating My Daughter[1]

                The interview is divided into three sections: the physical assessment, the personal assessment, and the intelligence assessment. To pass a potential suitor must score at least 80 points.[2]

Section 1: Judging a book by its cover.[3] Point value: (+5/-50)

Physical appeareance:

                Visible Tattoos: + 1 point for none /-5 points for each

                Facial Piercings: +1 point for none /-1 point for ear /-3 for eyebrow, lip, or nose ring/-20 for tongue

                Facial Hair:           +1 point for clean shaven / -3 points for kempt beard, goatee, or soul patch/ -5 for scruff[4]

                Hair Length:        + 1 point for short / -1 point for Justin Bieber length / -5 for Daniel Harvey length/ -10 for any longer

                Pants Height:     +1 point for at the waist / -10 points for anything else.

Section 2 – Let me get a peek of that brain of yours. (2 points a piece.)

Intelligence test (pen and paper will be provided):

1.       Name the three branches of the US government.

2.       Properly diagram this sentence: The father killed the new boyfriend.

3.       Solve for X: 9x = 3 x 11+372/31

4.       Name five Shakespearean plays. (bonus points for identifying tragedies and comedies)

5.       Who wrote Moby Dick? (automatic loss of points for giggling)

6.       Identify this household item: NaCl

7.       What is the capitol of New Hampshire?

8.       In what city was Jesus born?

9.       Explain when to use who and when to use whom.

10.   Please answer the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.

Section 3: Just who the heck do you think you are? Point value: (+75/-405)

Personal Assessment:

                What is your name? (+5 points for full name/+3 for first and last name/-5 if I have to ask for last name)

                How old are you? (+5 for 16/ +3 for 17 or 15/ 0 for 18/ -200 if any older)

                What grade are you in? (+5 if the grade and age match[5]/ -5 if they don’t)

                What is your GPA? (+5 for 4.0/ +3 for 3.0-3.9/ 0 for <3.0/ -5 if I have to explain what a GPA is)

                What kind of car do you drive? (+5 for a two-seater/0 for a car with a back seat/ -50 for vans, trucks with a bench seat, SUVs with removable seats, motorcycles, anything that rumbles my house windows as you pull up, and anything I plain don’t like)

                How many of your parents live in your home? (Include stepparents) (+5 for two/0 for one[6]/ -10 if you live alone)

                What church do you attend? (+5 for a Christian Denomination/-5 for anything else)

                                    +3 point if he is willing to attend church with us on the next Sunday

                Share a little bit of your testimony with me. (Points awarded at my discretion. 5 point max)

                What sports do you like? (+5 points for wrestling/ +3 for Baseball, MMA, and NASCAR/ +1 for other answers)

                What age did you lose your virginity? (+5 for still a virgin/ -100 for any other answer)

                What music do you like? (+5 for Christian, Country, or Classic Rock/ +3 for 90’s music or classical/ 0 for others/ -5 for rap)

                If I say my daughter is due home at 10 PM, what time should you have her here? (+5 for 9:45, +3 for 10/ -5 for past 10)

                What’s your favorite Star Wars movie? (+5 for first trilogy/ +1 for prequel trilogy/ -5 for never seeing Star Wars.)

                                    +3 bonus for willingness to watch all 3 original movies on the next Saturday with me and daughter.

                What are some acceptable places for you to take my daughter?

                                Correct answers:              Church, A restaurant, a movie, a school dance, my house, your house while your parents are home, bowling, the mall, roller skating. (+1 point a piece up to five points.)

                                Incorrect answers:          A dark parking lot, a field, a back road, your parents house while they are not home, my house when I am not home, any place where you are alone and not easily discoverable. Other answers left up to my discretion. (-5 points a piece, no limit)

                Show me your tattoos:                  (None to show +5 [-15 points if I later find out you are lying]/-5 a piece/ -10 a piece if they are not presentable)       

                If I find a boy acceptable,[7] we will move on to the final segment of the interview, the steel cage wrestling match. The only way to win is to escape over the top. If a boy can do this, I will give him permission to have one date with my baby girl. If he wants a second date, we will have a submissions match. Date number three will have a ladder match.[8] Anyone who can defeat me three times in a row, I will proudly call son-in-law.[9]

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[1] My daughter will not be dating until she is sixteen, so I will have time to make alterations as necessary.)

[2] Like a college English class.

[3] I know, this is technically taboo, but this is my daughter. I will judge.

[4] Hypocrisy, thy name is…shut up, it’s my kid.

[5] Or if the boy has skipped a grade.

[6] This is not a jab at single parents. Logically, if the boy only has one parent at home, and that parent works, there will come a time where he could possibly have my daughter alone at his house. This will not do.

[7] BIG IF!

[8] Though I have yet to figure out how to suspend my daughter twenty feet over a wrestling ring.

[9] He better be around for good, because if he hurts my little girl, I’m breaking out the machete and the hockey mask.